Demand for eggs falls off about mid-day, so around noon Joe and I each grabbed an adult beverage and sat outside by the grease trap. I expected him to be embarrassed by the fact we were still fully encased in our mortal bodies enjoying a cold Carta Blanca the day after his people had predicted a final fiery end for Earth, but Joe was nonplussed.
"We Mayans never said the world was going to end anyway. We said it was going to mark the start of a new era for Earth and now it is apparent that my wise ancestors, who were making sage predictions when your ancestors were living in medieval mud, meant that on 12/12/21, the Republican Party would end."
That's a pretty convenient alternate explanation, Joe. Aren't you a little self-conscious about all these people panicking about the Final Day and then it just turns out to be a bad day for John Boehner?
"And some bad day, huh? Turns out the rest of the Republicans would have serious reservations about following him backstage at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, let alone passing Plan B. Don't forget last week, when Mitch McConnell filibustered himself. It's like the Democrats said 'Make our day. Go filibuster yourself, Mitch.' That's something a Mayan would never say."
Most Mayans don't even know what a filibuster is.
"Neither do most Americans, but mostly we wouldn't say it because there are no Mayans named Mitch."
This is all pretty weak, Joe. You sound like Karl Rove explaining how he actually won when he lost the election.
"I like to think of myself as being more like Newt Gingrich explaining how cheating on his wives brought him closer to God. But the accuracy of the prediction isn't the most important thing. The important thing is that we are going to be living on a Republican-free Earth! Do you know what that means?"
You tell me.
"People who holler about American exceptionalism and then threaten to secede when they lose the election can turn in their elephant hats! People who think it's perfectly ok for everybody to have car insurance but a ghastly form of Bolshevism for everyone to have health insurance can drive their cars off the nearest cliff! Women who are raped can get pregnant again!"
That all sounds great, Joe, but...
"But what? It's a brand new world! And my far-seeing ancestors predicted it! Maya! Maya! Mayans! We rock, dude."
Sounds great, Joe, is what I said, but I was already starting to have doubts. No more transvaginal probers, no more lawmakers who spoke of God's will as if they golfed with the Guy, no more UN army resisters or dinosaur riders. No more lobbyists who claimed that a milllion "armed volunteers" would keep our kids safe in school while that icon of armed volunteerism, George Zimmerman, is awaiting trial for murder. I sensed a yawning shortage of material in the new era. Sure, I'd still have the Democrats, but what good are they now that Spitzer has sworn off hookers and Anthony Weiner keeps his underwear and his Twitter account in separate locations?
I started to be overcome by a feeling of depression. It felt like the end of the world.