“The President likes people who weren’t captured,” explained an aide on condition of anonymity. “But if they’re going to get captured, he thinks they ought to stay captured, not be released as war heros, get elected to the Senate, run for President and take time out from probably fatal cancer to call President Trump Putin’s pimple-sucker.
“Putting McCain back in a monkey cage at the Hanoi Hilton would be exactly analogous to sending American citizens and former State Department employees back to Russia to be questioned, which, as the President said, was an incredible offer, because in return, Putin was going to allow Mueller to come to Moscow and question the hackers that absolutely had no effect on the 2016 election, and possibly keep him and Rod Rosenstein in the Gulag until 2020 as well.
“We who work at the White House are already working on the objections the snowflakes might have to our plan. We know Vietnam hasn’t been accused of interfering in our elections, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t been. For all we know, they’re involved in a conspiracy as deep and murky as a big bowl of pho noodles. Why doesn’t the Justice Department investigate them? By the way, did you know George Soros loves Vietnamese food? That’s all the evidence most of the base needs.
“Don’t think we’re going to have to start another war with Vietnam to get them to take back McCain. That’s off the table. Our armed forces are going to be too busy helping Putin shell hospitals in Syria. But we can bend the Vietnamese to our will. There’s trade. There’s tariffs. If they really get stubborn, we’re going to threaten to finally send Ted Nugent over there.”