The first to complain were single Trump junior staffers, who said they faced a wall of denial when they tried to move in on the single ladies of DC. “Just because I’m a rancid little Nazi doesn’t mean I don’t have natural urges,” one was heard to complain. “You’d think that being close to the seat of power would make me an irresistible magnet for girls that live for Netflix and chill, but the closest match for me on Tinder turned out to live in Dry Prong, Louisiana.”
Next, Homeland Security boss lady Kirstjen Neilsen, who rose through the Trump cabinet ranks despite not being able to spell her own name, was mercilessly heckled at a Mexican restaurant after she started her department’s policy of putting kids in cages. The brave Trumpista chose to eat Mexican even though she knew the chances that at least one of the chefs was going to pluck an armpit hair and float it in her tortilla soup were nearly 100%, but then her fellow diners got into the act and chanted her out into the street before she could finish the bowl.
Then Stephen Miller, the proto-concentration camp commander who has the ear of Trump in matters of putting brown kids behind bars, also decided to dine Mexican. That the man likes tamales way more than he likes toddlers is certain, but he, too was unable to eat in peace as a protester repeatedly called him a fascist while he was trying to dig into his guacamole.
A judge released his written ruling last week dismissing the case of a man who got kicked out of a New York bar for wearing a MAGA cap. The complete text of the legal opinion read, “Yeah, fuck you.”
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders is no fool. When she saw what way the restaurant winds were blowing, she made her dinner reservations at non-Mexican restaurant a hundred miles out of DC. But The Red Hen turned out to be La Gallina Roja, as Sanders was booted out on the pavement before her dinner was served, despite the restaurant not having posted a sign that read “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Fat Lying Tools, No Service.”
And Seth Rogen refused to have his picture taken with Paul Ryan, despite having already had his picture taken with Harvey Weinstein. In a statement released to the press, the actor said “Harvey Weinstein wants to rape aspiring actresses. Paul Ryan wants to rape old ladies on Social Security. A man’s got to draw the line somewhere.”
Where is all this leading? Are we heading towards a society so sharply divided that Trump appointees have to huddle at home and live off delivery pizza, ordered under assumed names so Domino’s workers won’t rub the pepperoni slices on their genitals before applying them to the pies?
I can hear some of you already saying “Whomp, whomp.” Others will sigh “I don’t care do U?”
Me, I’m just going to finish here by saying “Let them eat gay wedding cake.”