"Oh yeah, we're excited about Albo," veteran political operative Joe Redstate said when I called him after the story made the Internet. "He's a pioneer. People think when we want to ban contraceptives, we're not offering them any alternative. They think they need those yicky condoms, those bloaty birth control pills, those nasty IUDs, when the truth is if your partner would rather see a Taliban terror camp in your back yard than you with your John Henry hanging out, it's one safe bet that a ban on contraceptives won't affect you a bit."
Isn't there a less emotionally draining way to make your partner not want you?
"Oh, sure. Every time you think about going to the gym or even getting up out of the recliner, have dessert instead. That's a long-range plan, though, and your spouse may still want to have sex with you, out of pity or maybe if you offer to split a piece of pie with her. As you can see from the video, Joe's been working on that method, too. The dude is bulking up."
I understand you're married, too. Do you use the Albo method to avoid having to use contraceptives?
"I actually use something slightly different. Whenever my wife seems moody, I ask her 'What's wrong, honey?' and when she answers 'Nothing,' I slap her on the fanny and say 'That's great, babe,' and pour myself a drink. I've been sleeping on the couch since '98."
Getting back to Albo, do you think the whole wine-music-Washington Redskins method is going to work for all of us?
"Depends what her football team is. Don't tell Dave this, but when his missus says the Redskins turn her on, she means that literally. '230 pounds of ebony, muscular linebacker beats 230 pounds of hairy-bellied legislator any day' is what she's been overheard saying to the other representatives' wives. Dave making a funny little video about her declining to be jumped by him isn't going to change her mind, either."
Are you sure about that?
"Yes. We had a focus group ask when Dave was likely to be on the receiving end of any spousal nookie and Mrs. Albo replied 'When Mexico builds a space station. And we're floating on it, drinking anti-gravity margaritas."
Could be a while, then.
"Dave doesn't have the moral dilemma of contraception to worry about again, ever, I would say. Which is great for him. You can't piss off God when the girls are pissed off at you."
So the GOP wants to infuriate all the women in America?
Sure. If you haven't noticed, we're desperately sexually repressed anyway. The thought of spending another night fumbling in a totally darkened room, under the covers, for thirty seconds of sex with our wives terrifies us. If we tick off all of the girls in the country, we get out of that forever. And it also means we've been very, very bad. And we deserve to be spanked. By a hooker. That's what we really like. We're thinking of making it tax-deductible.