As revealed in this Mother Jones article, the FBI is failing to recruit the best anti-hacking pros for two reasons—one, they are snatched off for better pay by private companies who are also concerned about cybersecurity and, two, these computer geeks are higher than the Van Allen Belt most of the time on killer bud.
The FBI drug-tests its applicants, which the totally blazed hacker community knows full well, so those citizens are busy providing Internet security for Wall Street, Wal-Mart or wherever, leaving the CIA, the NSA and the State Department more vulnerable to foreign cyber-criminals than a senile senior's bank account. Also they are being stoned to the bone.
Why do we need to weaponize these weed warriors? The hacking specialists that the FBI manages to hire are not as effective as their ganja-smoking counterparts. Why a sober computer security specialist can’t detect the ugly electronic tentacles of Guccifer 2.0 as well as someone who’s been baked more often than frozen pizza no one can say for sure, but a person whose most commonly used declarative sentence is “I mean…I want…did you see that? Whew,” followed by “Anybody up for a run to Jack-in-the-Box?” is apparently the more gifted cybersleuth of the two.
The FBI director, himself the beneficiary of a crap-ton of publicity lately, has acknowledged contemplating changing the Bureau’s drug-testing policy, so patriotic potheads can serve to protect America’s security. Bong hits may become as vital a part of our nation’s defenses as launching drones. The Marines will always be a bulwark of American response to foreign threats, but Americans way too wasted to get through the rigors of basic training can also serve. If you can’t be Semper Fi, be Semper High.
It’s not as if there’s no precedent. Didn’t a couple Nazis help NASA land on the moon? Why can’t natural American stoners protect us from hackers? I see no reason why not.
Uncle Sam, meet Jeff Spicoli.