After Mitt Romney's fascination with a system for automatically ordering sandwiches in Pennsylvania made the news earlier this month, the Romney campaign has been trying to stamp out rumors that Romney has never made a sandwich, or any other meal, for himself in his entire life.

"Sheer nonsense," Romney campaign chief Donald Fehrnstrom snapped. "Mitt Romney has made plenty of sandwiches. Of course, he's not making his own sandwiches now, since he's trying to figure out how to fix the economy by using the same methods that broke it. That's going to be tough, so Mitt doesn't have time to do a lot of deli-shopping."

When was the last time you know of that the candidate for certain made his own lunch?

"Well, admittedly it's been a while. Most of the time Mitt wants a sandwich, he has a servant or an intern bring him one, just like any ordinary American who's a Presidential candidate and also a quarter-billionaire would do. He actually recalls watching his wife make a sandwich sometime before he became Governor of Massachusetts, maybe in the late nineties, so he's pretty confident he could do it himself, if necessary."

What about rumors of a secret video, which shows Romney throwing a piece of baloney in the air and then trying to catch it between two pieces of bread before it hits the floor? Proof positive Romney can't make his own lunch?

"First off, that video doesn't exist. Secondly, it just shows Mitt displaying his sense of humor, which we have to keep telling you he has because he can't actually demonstrate it. Like chopping off his classmate's hair at private school, or the times he 'borrowed' a state trooper uniform from one of his dad's security details and used it to 'arrest" one of his friends. It's just Mitt being zany and happy-go-lucky. Besides, why doesn't someone criticize Obama for not making his own sandwiches?"

Because we're certain Obama, having grown up in a single-parent, non-wealthy home, is capable of making his own lunch.

"I'm sure he made plenty of poodle-burgers and bijon frise bites and chopped up a chow for chow once in a while in Indonesia, but does that make him qualified to be President of the United States?"

Well, he understands the needs of people who have to work hard and feed themselves.

"What about people who are born into lives of incredible privilege and want to pay virtually no taxes? Aren't they Americans too? Don't people need to understand them as well? Mitt does."

Sure, but does he understand which end of a knife goes into the peanut-butter jar?

"The end you want the peanut butter on! Trick question! What is this, a politically motivated attack?"

Donald, do you know how to make a sandwich?

"I'm not sure I could actually make one, but give me an Etch-A-Sketch and I could draw one pretty good."

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