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Officials in Hawaii doubt Romney's native birth.
In a surprising move earlier today, the State of Hawaii demanded a copy of Presidential candidate Mitt Romney's long form birth certificate before putting his name on the ballot for the November election.

State officials strenuously denied the request was in retaliation for Arizona threatening to remove President Obama's name from its ballots unless Hawaii coughed up yet another copy of Obama's nativity document.

This reporter contacted the Hawaiian electoral offices but apparently forget to calculate the time difference correctly. The person who answered the phone, who identified himself as Carlo "Bumpy" Alanui, said his job in the building was night watchman but he was perfectly agreeable to discussing the Romney birth certificate controversy.

"Dis guy Romney, how we know he real American? Nobuddy in Hawaii see his birth certificate, bra."

So Hawaii has its own "birther" movement?


"No, bra. Not everybuddy in Hawaii surfer. Dat's perpetuating mindless stereotypes. We just want see da kine Mitt Romney's birth certificate. Only fair, bra."

You think it's fair because Hawaii gets swamped with requests for Obama's birth certificate, so you're just  playing 'gotcha,' right?

"No way, bra. Hawaii has da kine legitimate concerns about Romney. He speak French, you know. Nobuddy speak French here. Not everybuddy speak da kine good English like me. Some speak da pidgin. some speak like, Filipino or Japanese. But nobuddy speak French. Only French in Hawaii is toast, ticklers and fries. So maybe Romney Canadian, bra. Canadians speak da French. And Canadia is close to Michigan, where Romney says he born. So maybe he smuggle across to be President. We want check."

What else might lead you to suspect Romney wasn't a native American?

"He haole, bra."

Isn't that blatantly racist? Lots of natural-born Americans are white.

"Not here in Hawaii, bra. We see you haole, we figgah you tourist. And we nevah see Romney ack like regular haole tourist. Nevah see picture with aloha shirt. Nevah see him drink da kine drink with umbrella. Him always just talk story and show teeth. Just let Hawaii see birth certificate. What da big deal? What Romney got hide?"

But you're satisfied Obama was born in Hawaii?

"Oh yes, bra. Obama  for sure Hawaiian kane. He got da kine rubbah slippah feet."

What are rubber slipper feet?

"Come from wearing only rubbah slipper for shoe until you go to high school. All Hawaii children have rubbah slippah feet."

I should explain that what Hawaiians call rubber slippers are what the rest of the country calls flip-flops.

"Yes, bra. Obama gots da rubbah slippers. Romney gots da flip-flops."


Mahalo to reader Donny "The Other Dude" Ferris for this blog idea



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