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When President Obama made his support for gay marriage public, Bristol Palin, who achieved national renown by being with illegitimate child while her mother was running for Vice-President, exploded with ire on her blog. After taking a cheap shot at dimensionally-challenged cartoon adventurer Dora the Explorer, she aimed the rest of her venom at the Obama family.

"Children do best with a mother and a father," Palin, whose mother and father apparently thought it was best not to advise her to avoid having sex at the age of sixteen with local lunkhead Levi Johnston. The sex, which took place in various outdoor locations in Wasilla, including a disused tool shed and the bed of Johnston's pick-up truck, resulted in the birth of Bristol's son, Tripp.

Levi, who recently fathered another child by persuading a different frontier sexpot to bend over the pasture fence for him, is not currently permitted to see Tripp, but Bristol lashes out at Obama for poor fathering for letting his daughters Malia and Sasha use their real experience to judge the value of same-sex relationships rather than taking a high-school educated unwed mother's word on the history of marriage.

"Marriage has been between a man and a woman for thousands of years," Palin said sternly on her blog, not mentioning that furtive sex in wooded areas and barns, her real area of expertise, has also been between men and women, or at least boys and girls, for an equally long time, as has sex between men and men, women and women, and men and women and assorted farm animals and mechanical implements.

Palin also criticized Obama for letting his daughters watch "Glee," a show which depicts homosexuals as pleasant, attractive, witty people who sing and dance well. Palin feels that "watching one too many episodes" of Glee reinforces these positive stereotypes of gays. "A show like that just teaches kids that gays are nice people who should be allowed to seek what they want in life, instead of icky deviates that deserve to be ridiculed and persecuted. What kind of a lesson is that? Malia and Sasha should be watching reruns of 'Dancing with the Stars,' featuring me," Palin added."Or my upcoming reality show. Heated arguments stirred by artificial conflicts and ballot-stuffing—that's real life, not some gay fantasy."

When asked if publically wiggling her chubby thighs on Dancing might have actually driven some sensitive young boys over the edge of the gay cliff, Palin snapped "No! Homosexuality is innate! I mean, it's a choice! But people don't choose to be gay because they're not attracted to me! Or Snooki! Or any other borderline overweight young woman who only shuts up when she's having her face mashed into the weeds by some barely sentient stud-muffin!"

In the interests of research, this writer asked a gay friend whether viewing Palin on Dancing had any influence on his sexual orientation. He replied, "No. But it did make me grateful for it."

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