A spokesman for the Santorum campaign quickly moved to clarify a remark the Republican Presidential candidate made the other day.

"Talk to a plant about carbon dioxide," Santorum said, when asked about the dangers of global warming, a remark that left this observer puzzled, since he hadn't tried to communicate with any plant life since he quit taking drugs back in the seventies.

"What the Senator meant was talk to an American plant," the spokesman explained. "You're not going to get any useful information from a foreign plant, and Rick doesn't waste his time talking to them. Take for example, both the Canadian and Japanese maple trees. They come from countries that have signed that global warming protocol thingy. Certainly he's not talking to African violets, since they probably just want more foreign aid. He's putting both fingers in his ears if he gets addressed by any Korean grass, especially North Korean grass, as long as that Kim il Fat Kid is running the place. And Brazil nuts are just that. Nuts, I mean. He does respect wandering jews for their strong pro-Israel stance."

"And Rick is most definitely not talking to any invasive species. They're the illegal immigrants of the plant world. There's nothing more important than a strong, secure border to keep them out.

"Rick is never happier than when he talks to an American plant. The old oak in his family's back yard helped persuade him to run for the Presidency, along with God. He always has a quick chat with the dozen American Beauty roses he gives his wife every Valentine's Day. And when he sees an amber wave of grain, there's no telling how long of a chin session they'll be having."

What do American plants tell Santorum?

"WE LOVE CO
2! SCREW THOSE ICEBERGS! PARK THAT LINE OF IDLING BUSES RIGHT OVER HERE! UNLESS THEY'RE FULL OF MEXICAN FARM WORKERS, THAT IS!"    

They shout at him?

"They're very sincere. Except for ivy. Those plants have been stuck in those snobby college buildings for so long they've absorbed secular humanistic global warmingism through their roots. Bunch of elitists. There's nothing more annoying than hearing a brick wall full of plants whining about the fate of the polar bears. You might as well be listening to the US National Academy of Sciences talking about rising sea levels, or Mitt Romney saying how it's inevitable that he's going to win the Republican nomination.

Everyone says those things are inevitable.

"If that's what you think, we Santorum people know what kind of plant you've been talking to, pal. Go roll yourself another one."

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Comments

Matt
03/14/2012 13:35

Mr. Cahill - while this is a fine web post I just saw a tv ad for a christian dating website which ends with the line "Find God's match for you". While I know agnostisicm is your train (and your dating site experinece is well documented) your readers are eager to hear what god is up to. Sounds like he's getting a little lazy -or just delegating?

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Richard
03/14/2012 14:22

I expect he's working in mysterious ways, as usual. When he sends a revelation my way (and, being agnostic, I'm way down on his mailing list) I'll be sure to share it with you.

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