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Kate wearing punishment hat
It has been a difficult month for the British royal family, with the Queen's corgi dying and most of its interesting members being photographed naked.

The dog's death was not unexpected. A new puppy was immediately presented to the monarch and witnesses reported that they could see a steely glint in the Queen's octogenarian eyes as she silently resolved to outlive that creature as well.

"It's the same way she looks at Prince Charles," the sources said.

The younger members of the family were busy being photographed without their clothes on. Prince Harry plunged naked into a swimming pool in Las Vegas and a half-dozen or so naked girls jumped in with him. Photos were taken of the whole naked affair.

I wish I had this effect on girls. When I jump naked into a swimming pool, no girls strip off their clothes and jump in with me. All I get are threats to call the police and invitations to leave, along with very forceful suggestions that I get my own swimming pool.

Prince Harry was shipped off to Afghanistan as punsihment, where the Taliban  promptly promised to kill him, as the Quran apparently orders death for skinny-dipping. This is why most members of the Taliban look like they have never completely submerged their bodies in water in their entire lives.

Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, the future King's main squeeze, was photographed being topless in France. Kate was not bounding in and out of a swimming pool; these photos were taken at a satellite-like distance by a member of the paparazzi. France, if you are not familiar with it, is where British people go to experience nice weather. All French women take their tops off at the first glint of sunshine. That is why the British are scandalized by Kate; not because she was frolicking nude with her husband, but because she was acting like she was French.

As punishment, the Queen is making her wear a hat specifically designed to attract insects (see above).

The question is, why would anyone want to check out the royal set, as opposed to lingering over any other image of mammaries? Because if there's one thing you can find on the Internet, it's boobs. Run any search for any dignified or slang term for breasts—bust, rack, tits, teats, knobs, funbags, gazooms, hooters (you may also get a menu with that one) and you will get more hits than you can possibly check out in a lifetime. And not a corgi lifetime, either. If you really have time on your hands, add an adjective (big, augmented, small, black, teenage, Swedish, ginormous) and the images will multiply exponentially. This is due to the First Law of the Cyber-Age, which has been noted here before, and which is as follows:

ALL NAKED PICTURES WILL EVENTUALLY END UP ON THE INTERNET.

This law is retroactive to prehistory. If you don't believe me, check out the link here.


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In view of the current shutdown in the American porn industry caused by an outbreak of syphilis among performers, the Obama Administration has announced plans to tap into the Strategic Porn Reserve in order to damp down speculation in porn futures. That speculation threatens to drive the price of porn dramatically higher right before the election, endangering the fragile economic recovery.

An Administration official justified the decision by pointing out the benchmark price for light sweet porn, the industry standard, had risen by over 30% since the STD outbreak. "Even contracts for future delivery of less desirable, high sulfur porn, such as bondage porn and Kentucky homemade porn have shot up  since the current disruption in the market. This move is necessary to stabilize the price of porn for the American consumer."

Members of the Organization of Pornography Exporting Countries (OPEC) reacted to the US move by threatening to cut back on production themselves, thereby keeping the price of porn high, except for the world's largest producer of porn, Brazil, which promised to up its production in order to make up for the US shortfall. The Administration spokesman acknowledged its debt to the Brazilians, but added "Brazil, with its vast porn reserves, is a unique case. Brazil's support is very much appreciated, but that only means the price of musky, dark-skinned porn featuring women with gravity-defying behinds will remain stable. The Russians and the eastern Europeans, also members of OPEC, are threatening to send the price of porn starring young, creamy-complexioned Slavic girls who will have sex in exchange for a bite of a donut to world-record highs."

When questioned about the Strategic Porn Reserve, equivalent to nearly a year's supply at current consumption rates and stored in underground caves in Louisiana, the Obama spokesman said "We do realize that some of this porn is old school, and the hair and moustache styles on the male performers may seem risible to younger porn consumers. Likewise, some of it was made before modern back and bikini-waxing techniques were fully developed and it may seem hairier overall than modern porn. None of these technical differences, however, should prevent its utilization."

Republicans promptly criticized the move, accusing Obama of playing politics with porn and decrying the tight web of regulation that they say is crippling the domestic porn industry. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney introduced a plan to make America porn-independent by 2020 by opening Federal lands and offshore tracts to porn production. "Like the lady said," Romney was quoted when outlining the plan, "Drill, baby, drill."



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I picked up a local paper the other day and was surprised to find the 1965 essay "If I Were the Devil" by Paul Harvey, one of the great bloviators of the last century, on the second page.

I had read the piece years ago, but I reread it then. The gist of it is that Satan was surely taking over America. The proof was the growing use of drugs and lack of bible instruction in the schools, the spread of pornography and a "do what you please" ethic.

"If I were Satan, I'd just keep doing what I'm doing," Harvey says at the end, confidently intimating that the immolation of the nation in a cesspit of drug intoxication and porn, well before its bicentennial, was just around the corner.

Have Harvey's words proved prophetic? Not exactly. Remember, in 1965 we barely had porn and drugs. Porn consisted of  Playboy images of women with no apparent genitalia, and drugs consisted of crummy weed grown in Mexico. We were getting deeper into an unwinnable war and our main international enemy threatened us every day with World War III, which was certain to end in an apocalyptic tie.

Satan got to work. By 1976, the cornucopia of drugs available in America had gotten considerably fuller, porn was in public theaters and Jimmy Carter, the most pious president of this or possibly any century, was elected. Thanks to the Iranians and the oil sheiks, Harvey's prophecy was starting to look good.

Then Ronald Reagan, who napped in instead of going to church on Sunday and whose wife employed a professional astrologer, was elected President. Satan responded by inventing the VCR, so we could enjoy porn at home. On the drug front, the Prince of Darkness cooked up Ecstasy and cocaine powered first Hollywood, then all of America, but the USA prospered. We won the Cold War, beat the Grenadians and the economy starting running at full steam again.

The first George Bush became President. This was a guy who enjoyed power-boating far more than singing hymns. Satan started the crack epidemic and, realizing that people's best porn tapes inevitably got eaten by their VCR's after repeated playings, came up with the CD, which eventually led to the DVR, the repository of indestructible porn. America went on a tear. The Soviet empire crumbled. We kicked major booty in Kuwait.

Bush was followed by Bill Clinton, the first President to  govern with his pants unabashedly down. Satan doubled down by pushing designer drugs and starting the meth epidemic. Gas was practically free and, thanks to the invention of the Internet by Vice-President Al Gore, so was porn. We won a war in which no Americans whatsoever were killed in action, the economy boomed to unprecedented heights and the US position as the world's only superpower had never been better.

Then we elected another pious clod as President. Disaster struck. He started two wars he couldn't finish and cratered the economy. Proof that Satan doesn't like to be bad-mouthed? Evidence that he only bothers trying to destroy America when our Commander-in Chief calls him out? I think so. Look at the nation's current situation. We have a President who's not overtly religious, but a pretty conventional family man with no notable bad habits. He's kicked a lot of Al Qaeda tail, but otherwise things haven't gotten much better or worse under him. It's apparent Satan just doesn't care about him one way or another.

Satan is a slacker. He sits down in his place, enjoying drugs and porn, maybe watching old movies featuring himself, like Rosemary's Baby or The Exorcist. He's only moved to destroy America when America gets psyched about destroying him.  The lesson here is to let sleeping Satan lie. If you really can't get up in the morning without starting to bad-mouth the Devil, you need to learn to calm down.

And if you can't do that on your own, we have drugs for it.



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Hot woman who still has a job
The breaking story this week concerns Lauren Odes, who claims she was fired from her data-entry job in New Jersey for being "too hot."

Being too hot to enter data is being too hot, indeed. Lauren says the real problem was her ultra-Orthodox Jewish employers. Orthodox Jews, like Muslims and  Mennonites, have very clear ideas on proper dress for females and are entitled to them, no matter how boring and repressive those ideas seem to the rest of us.The problem with these particular moral absolutists is that they operate a factory called "Native Intimates" that makes risqué lingerie for women, so Lauren was fired for wearing clothing that was less revealing than the stuff the factory manufactures.

Lauren, who is Jewish herself, claims she was ordered to "tape down her breasts" (To what? Her desk?) and forced to wear a fuzzy red bathrobe decorated with little guitars over her tight-fitting mini-dress.

Let this be a lesson to all of you young job-seekers in this tough economy. If you see your potential boss has a red bathrobe decorated with musical instruments hanging in his or her office, get the hell out of there.

Despite donning the robe as ordered, Lauren was fired just days after she started heaving her bosoms around the otherwise chaste factory floor where her more suitably modest co-workers were busy churning out filmy little G-strings, scanty panties with smutty messages inscribed in the crotch and other porn-film regalia.

This is like Yum Yum Donuts firing a woman because they decided she looked like she enjoyed donuts.

Despite this apparent raging hypocrisy on the part of her employers, this is the luckiest break of Lauren's hot life. Instead of being forced to dangle from a stripper pole or sling chili fries at Hooters or endure some other entry-level hot woman job, she can move right into the rarified echelons of hot womanhood by posing for Hustler, getting her own reality TV show or marrying Donald Trump or Rush Limbaugh.

Which raises the question of why she was doing data entry in the first place? Is Lauren too modest to be hot? As noted above, there are many, many job opportunities for the hot, ranging from slithering on car hoods in bikinis to being John Edward's girlfriend. Did she look at her (allegedly) sumptuous breasts every morning in the mirror and think to herself "I need to sit in a cubicle all day punching at a keyboard, so the whole world will not think of me as being just another set of magnificent mom glands?"

If that's the case, Lauren, it's time for Plan B. I'm sure you're going to miss all the guys at the factory who claimed working with you was too distracting, thereby demonstrating that they have more candy in their asses than Hershey's makes in a year. The only downside you have to endure is the hundreds of comments on your story on the Internet, most of which are from guys who claim that you are not as hot as you think you are.

Rise above it, Lauren. Remember, if these guys actually had a woman they wouldn't have the time to doubt your hotness in cyberspace. Tell them to get a life, or maybe just a job.

Let them know there's a place in Jersey that needs at least one employee.


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The ugly thing about democracy is that there are only three ways for politicians to get the public's attention and consequently their votes. The first is to build us something (a nice bridge) or give us something (unemployment checks, free health care). This costs money, so taxes get raised, the voters get disenchanted and other pols get elected. This makes actually accomplishing something the most perilous (for them) way for politicians to stay on our radar.

The second way is to make us afraid of something, and to claim that only the election of a certain candidate will prevent the destruction of our way of life. Sometimes the alleged menace is rightfully frightening (Nazis) and sometimes not actually so scary (hippies). The fear-mongering election strategy can be used over and over especially if employed against an alleged evil that will never go away, like smoking pot. It costs nothing to scare people, at least compared to what it costs to build bridges, so taxes stay low and we stay happy, if being afraid to let your kids play outside can be called happy.

The third way for politicians to convince the voters that they are not just a bunch of tired old leeches gnawing away at the capillaries of society with their perfect, capped and polished teeth is for them to ban things. There are always things that people want banned, which means laws can be passed against them. Passing laws is one of the few things politicians actually are expected to do. A politician who told the voters "I figured we already had enough laws, so I spent my last term of office learning how to fly-fish," would be rejected overwhelmingly in the next election, though not by this voter.

I'd vote for that guy as many times as I could figure out how.

Now, though, all the obvious stuff has been banned. Politicians are reaching. I came to this conclusion as I tried to check a weekend's worth of beer and liquor through the automated check stand at my local supermarket and was told I couldn't. A new state law means that all alcohol purchases have to be made through a human cashier, so I had to wait with my cart full of shame behind an elderly woman who took longer to write a check than it takes Charlie Sheen to remember where he left his pants on any given morning.

This inconvenience was foisted on my by the pols of California, who decided it was too easy for underage people to buy liquor through the automated check stand, although it wasn't easy at all. The machine always stopped when liquor was scanned and an attendant had to hit a button, which in my case she usually did after a glance at the back of my head. I'm sure if I had presented a more underage appearance, I would have been ID'ed.

I'm not as inconvenienced as the residents of Shreveport, Louisiana, however, who are fighting to keep their right to wear pajamas in public. Michael Williams, one of the local burghers, proposed the ban, after seeing some Shreveport dudes wearing pajamas outside "with their private parts about to come out."

First off, define "about to come out." Whether it's in or out should be abundantly clear. Secondly, define "pajamas." At what point on the continuum of soft, comfortable outerwear can a garment be definitely said to be pajamas, as opposed to snuggies, sweats or scrubs? Thirdly, what is wrong with the men of Shreveport? Wearing pajamas outside is for girls, not guys.

The most outstanding new ban comes from the Los Angles City Council, which has banned the production of pornography in which the actors are not wearing condoms. Yes, condoms are now required in porn manufactured in LA, where they say 90% of the porn made in the US is produced. The council is debating methods of enforcing the ban, but the formation of police units nicknamed the Condom Cops, the Rubber Rangers or the Trojan Task Force seems inevitable.

The cops will have to go undercover. I say this because it is obvious, not because I enjoy making terrible puns. Police men and women will have to pose as porn performers. ("Okay, Detective, your alias for this sting operation will be Larry Load.") Can a hit TV series based on their exploits be far behind? The Rockhard Files? Magnum--My Size? All right, I'm stopping here.

The Council's bold step flies in the face of history, where condom bans have been far more frequent than condom coddling. Just a few years ago, the state of Georgia voted, possibly inadvertently, to ban ribbed condoms, although to my knowledge no French Tickler Strike Force was ever organized. And you can just click here, if you want to sign an e-petition to restrict condom sales to married couples with a prescription from their doctor.

In a blow for freedom, one of the world's oldest (all right, the oldest) anti-condom organizations has reversed its position on rubbers. The Pope announced that the Church would no longer consider the use of condoms a sin, as long as they were used to prevent the spread of AIDS and not as a contraceptive device.

Thus, a big day for any porn stars in LA who are also devout Catholics. About time those people caught a break.